A Look Inside

Him walking away=me letting go

2010-04-12T23:27:00.002-04:00

I came across a quote today and it really got me thinking. It said:

"If he was dumb enough to walk away be smart enough to let him go"

That was sooo what I needed to hear at the moment. Even though I still don't have the closure I want, I have to take that quote to the heart. There is part of me that wants to hold on and give him the benefit of the doubt but I KNOW that he doesn't deserve that.
He was dumb enough to walk away so I have to be smart enough to let him go and move on.

Broken Hearted Girl

2010-03-28T21:43:00.009-04:00

Heartbreak/Heartache is a bitch.
Like a REAL bitch.
smh
On January 23, 2010 I was the happiest I've been.
For once I felt like everything in my life was the way it should be.
School was going well....My family and friends were doing great, and I had FINALLY gotten the relationship I had always wanted from the guy who I always wanted to be with.
After about 2 hours of drunk texting (on my half) with the longtime, off and on boo thang (who was then having the time of his life in Vegas with his friends)...he finally asked the question at 2:29am "Can you make it happen with me?"
I immediately started screaming and running around the party to find my girls and tell them that he FINALLY made it official. He even said "put it on FB..make it known".
I responded "of course I can, I've been wanting to". He then proceeded to call me and I'd never been happier to hear his voice.
That night I couldn't even sleep because I was so happy..the moment I had been waiting for for a little over 2 years finally happened.
The next few days we talked and made sure this was something that we were ready for and something we would both be committed to for the long haul.
We were both all in.
The next few weeks were great. It was great to have someone who I knew was going to hold me down and look out for me, no matter what. Even though it was a long distance relationship we were determined not to let a 2.5 hour drive get in the way of what we knew could be a great relationship.
He came to visit for the weekend and hung out with me and all my friends, and everyone loved him. All my friends kept telling me was how happy they were for me and how cute of a couple we were. You couldn't tell me a thing...I thought I had it all.

Now me and this guy had been off and on for so long because he has these periods when he doesn't want to talk to anyone. Going into the relationship I was prepared to deal with this if it happened again. However, I wasn't all that worried about it because he hadn't done it in so long, it didn't even cross my mind that it would happen now that we were in a relationship. Because in my mind, I'm thinking he must know that a relationship (especially long distance) cannot work if he 'disappears'.

Well, I thought wrong.

He disappeared, three days before Valentine's Day.
After Valentine's I thought I'd hear from him, chew him out-let him know that that behavior was unacceptable and if he wanted this relationship to continue he wouldn't do it again.

Once again, I thought wrong.

One week turned into two, two turned into three, three turned into four...and well ya'll get my drift. As I write this it has been approximately 6 and a half weeks.
[[wtf??]]
At first, I was upset. [duh..lol]. But I realized that I wasn't the only person not able to get in contact with him, so I didn't too much sweat it. Then, I saw that he was talking to people, so I started getting in my feelings. I couldn't believe he was doing this to me. Especially after everything that he had said and done the past few weeks. I wondered, how could this be the same guy who just told me if I ever needed ANYTHING it was mine? How could this be the same guy who told me he could see "something positive" coming out of this relationship in a few years? How could this be the same guy that looked at me with so much care and sincerity in his eyes everytime he looked at me?

I had so many questions with no answers.

Even though I was beyond frustrated, poor little me still had hope. [[see what you gotta understand is..I'm what you would say 'in love' with this guy]]. I was confident that one day he would answer one of my calls, or text messages, or e-mails, or facebook messages. [[yea..I did ALL of that]]. I just knew that he would see how much I missed him, and see that I was upset and wanted to talk to him.
One sad day, I logged onto facebook and my heart sunk. I went to his page to see that he untagged himself in a picture of him and I kissing, and he had removed his relationship status from his page. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The tears immediately began to flow. Not only had he been ignoring me, but he was disrespecting me. I have no IDEA what I did for him to treat me this way. I know there are somethings in life we are not meant to understand, but THIS, THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE....
smh
I stopped reaching out to him after that. Its almost been two weeks now since the last time I reached out to him. I know that he will be back. The question is, what am I going to do when that day comes.....
smh.
hearbreak is a bitch.

Broken Hearted Girl

Breathe

2009-10-01T12:13:00.001-04:00

Inhale
Exhale

I can't sleep

Inhale
Exhale

I listen to you breathe

Inhale
Exhale

I stare at you as you sleep
wondering how something so simple
could make me feel so complete

Inhale
Exhale

You look so peaceful
the way your chest rises
and then falls-oh so graceful

Inhale
Exhale

Staring at your smooth complexion
tracing your body-lusting
at the sight of your muscle definition

Inhale-damn-
Exhale

Placing kisses on your face
you awake
and wrap your arms around my waist
you whisper "i love you" in my ear
it takes my breath away
along with all of my fears

Inhale
Exhale

Listening to your heartbeat
my head on your chest
it puts me to sleep

Inhale
Exhale

I listen to you breathe

-MRyanHarris

[[then&now]]

2009-06-04T00:52:00.001-04:00

Then
Who do I have to be to make u see that I'm all u need
And that aint no other girl quite like me
Not tryin to b cocky but I'm the fuckin best
Always 10 steps ahead of all the rest
I've done everything I could think of to do
To make u see that only person I want to be with it is you
It seems like no matter how many times I say it
It never makes a difference cuz I keep dealing wit the same shit
torn like letoya luckett
Half of me wants to stay the other half wants to say fuck it
But saying 'fuck it' isn't as easy it sounds
Cuz being with u makes my heart pound
My knees get weak and my heart skips beats
I can't stand not seeing u for more than a few weeks
Forgetting about u is something I can't do
Especially not after all the shit we been thru
Things I wish I didn't kno
I found out when I committed the ultimate no-no
Going thru ur phone was something I wish I'd never done
But my trust issues got in the way and I doubted I was the only one
I played it cool like wat I read didn't bother me
But inside I was crying the tears I didn't want u to see
I had a feeling there were other girls
But I didnt trip cuz I wasn't ur "official girl"
So I acted like I didn't care cuz I was ur number one
But that wasn't good enough-I wanted to be the only one.
Now
Silly silly me, I should have known u would be like all the rest
But its too late now to have any regrets
Being with you is something that I will never do
Cuz I refuse to ever again be your fool
I wonder if u meant all those things that u said
On those nights when u was layed up in MY bed
I thought what we had was something so real
But now I see that was never the deal
Off and on a year and a half with me
But she’s the one sayin “I love you baby”
That shit hurt me deep down to my core
I didn’t even think it was possible for me to hurt anymore
I don’t even know how I feel
Cuz none of this even seems real
I trusted my heart with you
Now what am I supposed to do?
I guess its time to pick up the pieces and move on
So with that said…baby im done.

--MRyanHarris
June 2009

[[Lessons]]

2009-05-15T00:34:00.001-04:00

Everything in life happens for a reason..
I kno ur probably thinking that you've heard this like 500 million times before..but I learned that it is because it is the honest to God truth. Something that you think was so trivial could have possibly changed ur life without you even realizing it. The random people that you meet, the arguements, the break ups, the heartbreaks, the deaths of loved ones and the births of new ones...it all happens for a reason. NOTHING is by chance. You may not realize it now, but one day everything will come full circle.

Mistakes are made and lessons are learned..
AMEN! lol...If you don't make mistakes, how do you learn? Everything can't be taught from a book..life is the best teacher you can have. We are young..this is the time to make mistakes! So that we can grow and be responsible, wise adults. Make ur mistakes..learn from them and move on! BUT WAIT!!! realize there is a difference between making a mistake and making a STUPID mistake...and I'll leave it at that...

On to the subject that plagues us young people most..LOVE and HEARTBREAK
Its been killing me these days to hear people my age say "I'm done with love" "fuck love" and all those things..
Now I can't front-I used to be one of those people..but then I really sat back and I thought about it. I am only 20 years old... 20!!!! I have only been on this earth for 2 decades and I have only lived in two places..ATL and Hampton, VA...now who am I to say I give up on love just because I've encountered my share of assholes?? I haven't even really LIVED yet to even experience true love and I'm giving up...that makes absolutely no sense at all! For those who have found love..congratulations it is a beautiful thing...for those who are still looking..it will come. Don't stress it..for what?! The more pressure you put on finding love, the harder it will become for u to find because u looking for it too hard! Have you ever dropped something, like the back of an earring, you search and search and you can't find it?? Then as soon as you stop looking for it-BOOM-there it is-right in front of your face.That's how love is..so chill out..enjoy being young and single..LOVE WILL COME.

And we all know that with love, comes the occasional heartbreak...
Heartbreak sucks. We all know that. There is no way around that. It hurts, and it seems like you will NEVER get over it. BUt you see the heart is a phenomenal thing..it can be broken, ripped apart, torn to shreds and stomped on the ground til nothing remains but a mess...but it has the remarkable ability to heal itself and return to the condition that it was in before. Its up to you on how long that takes.

♥mercie™

..::LET IT GO::..

2009-05-10T00:12:00.004-04:00

first of..I just want to start this post off by saying that God is real, and I don't understand how anyone could think otherwise, but I do respect everyone's personal views...
While I was facebook the other day, I came across something that was written by TD Jakes and it was something that I needed to read so badly. It amazes me how the right thing always comes along when you need it too...
Reading the piece by TD Jakes really gave me what I needed to keep my head up and move on from my past situation. I will post the piece at the end of the note, but I just want to post one part now that really hit home with me:

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can' t make them stay.

LET THEM GO!.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over

WOW! This really hit home with me because of the fact that it says that just because someone leaves you doesnt make them a bad person. This is very true, my DC boo is not a bad person in any shape or form, I have much love and respect for him, and I always will. I will cherish the memories that I have with him, and as in any relationship, lessons have been learned.
Let it Go by TD Jakes

LET IT GO ...

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you:

LET THEM WALK.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying withyou, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can' t make them stay.

LET THEM GO!.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over Let me tell you something I've got the gift of good-bye.

It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. STOP begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to ..

LET IT GO!!!

♥mercie™

**OH YEA! thanks to my 804 buddy for puttin me back onto my blog game!!! LOL

Im back!

2009-05-07T23:19:00.000-04:00

So I kno its been a while...
but I'm going to try and get back into blogging...just give me a minute ok? LOL

see ya soon!
♥Mercie™

.this time last yr::

2008-07-08T20:22:00.003-04:00

wow..its crazy..
today i was just thinking that wow-its july..and this time last yr i was in soo much pain...
this time last yr is when i was suffering from severe heartache because i found out that a guy i thought i was seriously dating was not only seeing someone else but was engaged...

i will never forget that day-ever.
it was a normal day-the guy i was dating had jus left atlanta a few days earlier...while he was here i met his family ((was introduced as his girlfriend)) we discussed being in a relationship-i even asked him if i was the only girl he was dating and looked at my dead in my face and said 'yes-uve been the only for one for 2 and a half months"...and he met my family. it was pretty intense-and i was head over heals for this dude...
so i log onto myspace to leave a comment on his pg-i go to his page and i see this female that was his number one have the default name of "mrs.g.fuller" ((his name was g.fuller)) i click on her profile because i didnt want to believe wat i was seeing..when i get to her page she has pics of him all over her pg with captions saying how much she loved him and how she was so happy they were getting married....yes-married.
my heart dropped.
i could hardly breath-my hands starting shaking-and the tears would not stop falling.
i could not believe wat i seeing...its one thing to have a side piece but damn-u have a fiancee...so that made me the other woman and i had no clue...
we had been dating for 5 months and i HAD NO CLUE!
i was so hurt.
matter of fact-i dont even think hurt is a strong enough word for wat i felt.
i HATED him.
i couldnt stop crying.
how could he do that to me?
and the worst part about it was he lied to me like it was sooo easy.

((the worst part about a lie is knowing you weren't worth the truth))

the rest of my summer i was in so much pain-i tried to hide it as much as i could..and i think i did a pretty good job-at least hiding it from the ones that didnt kno me that well..lol

one day i finally figured out wat i wanted to say-so i sent him a long message on myspace explaining how wrong he was and how i never wanted to speak to him again...

of course he didnt respond...but one month later..i get a phone call...it was him.
he kept saying how sorry he was and how he wanted to tell me he had a girl but he didnt kno how to say it because he really started to like me and he was gonna break up w/ his girl to be with me but then he found out she was pregnant.....
bullshit.

he kept asking me to give him another chance and i told him-how can i trust u if everything we've ever had was a lie....

til this day whenever i talk about him or he is brought up-my whole demenor changes. im still not over wat he did-and im not sure when i will be. but im a whole hell of alot better than i was this time last yr.....

♥mercie™

the power of S-E-X

2008-07-03T23:28:00.003-04:00

sex.

that one little word holds so much.

sex.
this word is responsible for creating lives and destroying lives and it can happen all in one single stroke.
it can cause pleasure and it can cause pain.
it can destroy a relationship or strengthen it.

sex.
once upon a time this word was hardly ever uttered-now its everywhere!
every time u turn on the tv, radion, computer sex is all you see.

once upon a time sex only purpose was to create life between a man and his wife-now it seems that sex only purpose is to create pleasure for someone-and occasionally a baby comes out of it((which isnt planned most of the time))...

sex.
such a small word-holds so much.

♥mercie™

thanks!

2008-06-23T23:50:00.003-04:00

i jus wanna take the time to thank everyone who reads my blog!
it really means alot to me!!
thanks sooo much!
and i kno im slow sometimes about postin new stuff but I will definitely try to get better!!!
much much much love!
♥mercie™

wifey ((rough))

2008-06-23T18:06:00.003-04:00

can i b ur wifey?

im not ur average chick
i do more than them other tricks..
im down to ride for my man..
and ill do watever i can..
im ready for love like india.arie.
so ill be there when he needs me to be

can i b ur wifey?

anything he need thats wat ill be..
lady in the streets...
and a beast in the sheets...lol
i can hold my man down
the same way he would hold me
im just waiting for the one to give my all to
waiting for the one that'll make me wanna say 'i do'
wherever u r..please find me
cuz im ready to give my heart to u baby..

♥mercie™

Losing me ((old poem 07))

2008-06-07T00:55:00.002-04:00

this love thing is for losers
at least thats wat i believe
it makes you become a different person
changes the way you see
you can say im bitter
and hell maybe i am
but after all ive been through
i really dont give a damn.
you see now i have an icebox where my heart used to be
im cold and angry and thats just not me

i miss who i used to be

the girl who believed in love and happily ever after
and that tru love didnt just exist for the actors
the girl who believed that love was real
and being IN love was a big deal
now, this new person i dont recognize
but its who ive become-i can see it in my eyes
the pain has taken over
and now every guy gets the cold shoulder
ive turned into someone i never wanted to be
and thanks to the pain-ive lost me.

♥mercie™

Just had to vent...

2008-05-28T23:45:00.002-04:00

The worst thing anyone can possibly do to me is ignore me...
seriously, i hate that!!! don't ignore me! i know u see that missed called, that txt msg and watever else i did to reach out to you...
how dare u treat me as if i was never anything to u?!?!
how dare u ignore me as if I did something to YOU!?!
i could understand if I had done something to piss u off but i did nothing except try to be the perfect girl for you and make you happy...
did watever it took to put a smile on ur face...
did watever i had to to make u feel better when u were havin a bad day..
encouraged u and let u kno everything would get better...
calmed u down when u was mad...
I. WAS. THERE. FOR. YOU.
and u jus took that shit for granted...and then have the audacity to ignore me...
but yet when u saw me u loved to act as if nothing was wrong..give me false hope that maybe u were coming to ur senses...knowing damn well that u were jus playing games with my head...
THEN...when I finally stop thinking about u...finally start to get over u..u decide to txt me and throw me off all over again...
do u enjoy puttin me through this bullshit?!?!
the way u treat me now..i never would have seen it coming...
the way u USED to treat me never even hinted that u could do me like this...
the sweet txt msgs everyday...the public displays of affection..the things u said to me with soo much 'sincerity' in ur eyes...
but who cares?? none of that matters anymore..so i might as well forget that it even existed...hell i should forget YOU ever existed...
when i see you again...dont speak to me..dont look my way because
YOU. ARE. DEAD. TO. ME.

cool kids on the block...

2008-05-26T22:00:00.006-04:00

If you have noticed I have a few links on the side of my page of my daily blogs that I check...but I just want to give them a shout out and thank them for their support of my blog...check them out..they are hot!

NICK R. DA A&R!
get ur daily dose of the freshest new music, clothes, and more...he is definitely someone you wanna kno! ((oh yea...he's my big brother! =D))
http://www.thumbsupconsulting.blogspot.com

MILAH B.aka THE LOVECRUSADER
features her daily blogs of: word of the day, get ya sneaker game up, the fly ass mofo of the week, and more....contributing writes include matt r martians and ponder matthews...hotness!
http://www.lovecrusader7.blogspot.com

LU MCCALL aka THE WRITER
check this blog out when u wanna get something for your mind!!! rememeber his name because I promise you-you WILL be reading one his books in a few years...
http://www.ohsolucius.blogspot.com

♥mercie™

sunny days.

2008-05-26T20:09:00.003-04:00

lately, I've been going through a lot of inner turmoil...
stuff I really haven't discussed with anybody, just been keeping it to myself because I really don't know how to word it and I don't want anyone passing judgement on my emotions. I hate that..
Seriously...don't tell me how I should feel...
Anyway...
I think I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel...((at least I hope so))
The other day I was hanging out with my ex-boyfriend...((we're still really good friends)) and I was telling him my situations and basically explaining to him why I really broke down crying the other day ((see previous blogs))..and he simply told me.."you're a sweetheart..don't let these situations change that about u..u have a good heart and u will be blessed so don't stress it."
Believe it or not that really made my day...because I realized he had a point...and in saying that I must shout out Lucius because he has been telling me for forever that I am one of the few good girls and I don't need to change..so to both of you..thank you.
Of course, I have to thank my girls too...ya'll have definitely been shoulders for me to cry on..without ya'll my troubles would have been even harder..even tho I didn't really explain in depth how I was hurting..
Anyway..I'm slipping off topic...lol ((damn shoutouts..lol))
But I'm getting better...I'm starting to love myself more and more...and I've realized thats why I was in so much pain...
The bullshit I had been through made me question myself..made my confidence drop..made me lose love for myself...and I should have NEVER NEVER let that happen but I did.
So now I am back on building myself back up again...
Loving myself..learning myself all over again...
and reminding myself to never forget that the best love is love for self...

I've learned from all these situations that I have been through...
I've learned that even though I am a naturally nice and caring person..not everyone deserves it..and that its okay to have a wall up because thats how you find out who is really worth being in your life because if they stay around and work on taking it down then that means they could possibly be in it for the long haul...
No worries though..I'm not going to be bitter or anything like that..and I'm definitely NOT changing...I am who I am and thats never gonna change...

The sunny days are coming..I can feel it...:D

♥mercie™

for me-when something seems too good to be true-it normally is

2008-05-20T19:05:00.002-04:00

...and thats real talk....
its ironic...me and the guy that i used to date-which my friends called thug life cuz he had so many tats-took me the movies on our first date and we saw jumper..it was a part in the movie when the girl said-"normally in my life when something seems to good to be true-it normally is." when i heard that i 'hmphd' in agreement..thug life then looked at me and said do u believe that..and i said i sure do-and he told me well this-me and u-isnt...this is real..
HA!
aint that some shit...hmph

ive been in this terrible cycle...one no good nigga after the other-and it all started with the guy i met 2nd semester my freshman yr (the one w/ the fiancee)-then i met another guy 1st semester sophomore yr (the one who went ghost) and now this guy-2nd semester sophomore yr (the one who is soo confused)--i dont get it!! its been back to back..one hit after the other..the one minute i think i got something good going on to help me get over the guy that screwed me over before-i get screwed over AGAIN! and then im left to not only cope w/ one screw up-but two-and now three...
UGH!

and im not gonna lie..ya girl is lonely..there's a difference b/w bein alone and lonely and im not alone..nigga im LONELY! lol..i try to do things to make me forget that im lonely and things to take the loneliness away-but it doesnt work. i kno i freaked our my ex the other day cuz me and him was chillin and he said somethin and i jus broke down crying...i couldnt stop either!!! it was sooo embarassing! but i couldnt help it..i was overwhelmed with everything i had been feeling and it jus released. it was like he was giving me the attention i wanted but it wasnt what i needed...i need something real..i need what me and my ex used to have..((notice how i say used--we're jus friends now)) i jus wanna be in love and be loved-is that too much to ask?

i kno u cant rush things like that and all that good stuff..but i jus want that feeling...
and really all i REALLY want is to meet ONE guy to prove to me that they are not all the same..even if he AINT for me-i jus want to meet one to kno they exist....

but lemme stop w/ my sad ass depressing ass talk...lol

♥mercie™

im the girl

2008-05-20T17:40:00.004-04:00

i havent really been blogging lately because for the most part ive been thinking..alot...no really..ALOT! lol
lately ive been feeling some kind of way and my friends have told me that i need to write about it..so i guess i will...lol

im the girl who has been thru hell and back and still manages to smile even though im crying on the inside...
im the girl who holds my head under the shower to disguise my tears...
im the girl who holds her head high so people won't see the pain in my eyes...
im the girl who is not alone but is so lonely...
im the girl who has been hurt time and time again and is not sure if i kno how to love anymore...
im the girl who questions her worth and wonders whats wrong with me...
im the girl who has so much to be happy about yet can't be truly happy because my heart is in too much pain...
im the girl who is on the verge of giving up...
im the girl who wonders who will save me...

♥mercie™

jus some thoughts

2008-05-08T22:24:00.004-04:00

i dont really have a purpose for blogging today I just felt like writing.
I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind right now, and I don't even know where to start or really what I want to say. I hate when that happens. I'm having what my mom calls a brain fart..lol
I guess one thing that is on my mind is yesterday my roomie/best friend jus found out that her bf of a yr and some changed cheated on her..and not jus oops i slipped up and slept w/ this girl..but he had pretty much another relationship going on with another girl back home..it was like he was living two lives...well not like..he was.
and its shocking to me because if you knew them and him u would never think he would do something like that to her because he was always telling her how much he loved her and he would get soo mad at her when she would even accuse him of gettin to friendly with another girl..he would always say i love u too much i would never do anything like that to u...
all of that shit was a damn lie...i can only imagine the pain my roomie is feeling right now...and i wish i could do somethin to take it away from her..but i kno i cant and unfortunately its jus her time to join the heartbreak club...=[

"the worst thing about a lie is knowing that u werent worth the truth"

♥mercie™

.friends.

2008-04-21T13:31:00.003-04:00

I must say I am the luckiest girl in the world when it comes to friends.
Yea I've had problems with 'friends' before but I've come to realize they weren't my TRUE friends.
It doesn't matter how often you all talk-all that matters is that you know and they know that no matter what they will have your back and you will have theirs. I am blessed to have the good friends that I do have and I love them all tremendously.
I'm not gonna lie either my friends are about to be doing big things in the world..and I cannot wait to see all the success that is about to happen to them. It is so exciting and whats even more exciting is the fact that I am able to say.."Thats my friend!"..LOL!
We all doing wonderful things and its just amazing to see how much we have all grown...but yet when we get together it is like nothing has changed...
*sigh* what a wonderful feeling that is...

***SHOUT OUTZ***
-Alexis
-Jerlicia
-Shawndra
-Kamilah
-Amelia
-DBrad
-Nesha
-Courtney
-Lucius
-Nick
-Matt
-Dani B.
-Monique

I love ya'll to death and thats real talk!
xoxo
♥mercie™

jus some food for thought...

2008-04-13T00:49:00.001-04:00

i saw this on a friend of mine's pg on facebook and i thought it was quite interesting..
i think he called it the irony's of love...check it out..

"Loving the right person at the wrong time... having the wrong person when the time is right... and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life. Sometimes you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you... you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again. For some, letting go is one way of expressing how much they love a person. Some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love... Love is always present... It's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little. As we all know that the heart is the center of the body, but it beats on the left... Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right. Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love, but to only discover that for them, we are just for passing time while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger. Let go when you're hurting too much... Give up when love just ISN'T enough... And move on when things are not like before. It's certain... there IS someone out there WHO WILL LOVE YOU EVEN MORE..."

soo tru
♥mercie™

the weather

2008-04-10T13:04:00.004-04:00

since sunday it has been sooo gloomy in hampton...
no sun..no warmth..jus cold, wet drizzly, overcast...
today the sun finally came back out and it just made me feel like a brand new person...

I'm no longer upset about my past situation with the guy..
I saw him today..flashed him a smile, gave him a hug made small talk and kept it moving..
no animosity over here((anymore..lol))..
the weather just gave me a whole new perspective...
even tho life gets gloomy the sun does come out again...
and thats one thing that is constant in this crazy world we live in...

there is no reason for me to remain upset at that guy...
he made the choices he made and yea it was kinda messed up but that will be on his heart not mine...because I kno that I did the best I could...
friends? sure why not? what happened is in the past..no reason to dwell on it..ive learned a lesson from it..now its time to move on..
would i give him another chance..maybe..he would have to come with his A++++ game..lol..he would have to let me know that history would not repeat itself...and if he could successfully do that..then sure why not..

everything happens for a reason...
I no longer question why me because I kno that God has something GREAT in store for me..
so I will continue to charge it to the game and keep it moving..((i just hope my card doesn't max out..lol))

♥mercie™

stare

2008-03-25T20:53:00.000-04:00

his body?
no.
his lips?
no.
his swag?
no.
his eyes?
yes.
the way he looks at me?
hell yes.
its something about the way he stares at me that drives me crazy.
it doesn't matter if im in his face or far away...
when our eyes meet..or rather his eyes meet mine...mmmmm
they pierce my soul.
they speak to me.
they say things words never could.
damn.

♥mercie™

man of my dreams...♥

2008-03-25T20:45:00.002-04:00

when i see him my heart smiles....
when he stares at me my heart melts....
when he touches me my heart skips beats....
when he kisses me my knees go weak....
he has a crazy effect on me
whenever i see him i think of we...
how WE could be the ones they love to hate..
how WE could be perfect soulmates
but i dont wanna rush this too fast
cuz somethin like this i want to last
the feelings i feel r kinda unreal
i hope that this shit is the real deal
i smile so much when were together
that time is something i treasure
staring into his brown eyes
everything jus feels so right...
so every night i cant wait to go to sleep
because this is the man of my dreams..

♥mercie™

txt msg

2008-03-09T00:40:00.000-05:00

"i'm not tryin to game u when i say this but u have the most gorgeous smile i have ever seen in my life its like one of those smiles u want to wake up to for the next 100 years and u dont want to go to sleep cuz stayin up lookin at it is way better than any dream u could ever possibly have at anytime in ur life."

:D

whenever i feel down i just read this txt and it brightens up my entire day....
this could be game even tho he says its not but i dont care cuz this is by far one of the sweetest things i have ever heard ((read..lol)) in my life....
*sigh*

.trust.

2008-03-09T00:27:00.000-05:00

he said.."trust me..i'd never do that to you."
and i'll be damned if that nigga aint turn around and do what he said he'd NEVER do...

he said.."trust me..i'd never do that to you."
i said.."ha"
he said.."y u laugh? u dont believe me?"
i said.."no..y should i? last guy that said that to me did what he said he'd never do..so what makes you so different?"
he said.."cuz i'm not him"
i said.."he said the same thing too when i asked him in the beginning why i should trust him.."
he said.."baby, you just gotta believe me.."

...well if u cant tell i have MAJOR trust issues. its not something that i'm thrilled about...but i have to have them because ive been lied to so much and i have had my trust betrayed so many times. what makes this guy so different from all the others?
he says its because he genuinely cares about me and would never do anything intentional to hurt me or betray my trust....
but how do i know he's not lying to me??
i don't. i just have to 'trust' him right??
ha.

my roommate says that i just need to let it go and just let love happen...i wish it was that easy...
how do i kno that this time around love will happen for me...i dont..and i hate not knowing...
i can't take another heartbreak...i say fuck love because love has fucked me...so how can i trust something that has let me down time and time again???

i cant.

i want to let go and just let it happen but i dont know how...i dont want to get invested to only end up back at square one like i have so many times before...
i want this one to be different..i think he is..my friends all agree that he is...i want to believe that he is different but then again i don't..i cant get hurt if i dont expect anything from him...except for him to fuck up...

thats not a good way to think tho...
ugh..this shit is wayyyy to complicated for me...lol

fairytales.

2008-03-09T00:14:00.001-05:00

right now im sitting on my bed at my wonderful home in the wonderful place of atlanta georgia...and im listening to a song and the song is talking about how the guy will give this girl the fairytale love that she has always dreamed about...
*sigh*

if only life was really like the fairytales we believe in as little girls...
sometimes i wanna say damn disney and all them damn movies...damn them to hell..lol
but seriously, it puts this false sense of what love is supposed to be like into our heads and when we get older and realize that love isn't like that we are soooo disappointed...

no guy is perfect..no relationship is perfect.
its all a lie...damn disney...

sometimes i want to go back to being a little girl and thinking that one day i would meet my "prince charming" and live happily ever after instead of being a young woman realizing that "prince charming" does not exist and neither does happily ever after..

but i wonder sometimes...can there be a prince charming for me? maybe not one like the one in the movies but someone to come and sweep me off my feet...treat me like the princess..oh wait im sorry..queen that i am...
who knows when ill meet him...i may have met him now..who knows? its so hard to read guys sometimes and i've learned that you never can tell..hell niggas these days be living double lives...lol

but idk...who knows...stay tuned and lets see what happens in the life of mercie..lol

♥mercie™

last first

2008-03-01T20:55:00.000-05:00

(inspired by estee)

last first.
such a wonderful thought.

last first.
last first kiss.
last first hug.
last first date.
last first time.
last first

ever wonder when you will experience your last first?
IF you'll ever experience it....

Everyone has a last first out in the world..
its just a matter of finding them...or them finding you...
but sometimes with all the drama and bullshit you go through with someone thats just a "filler" ((someone to take the time until you find your last first)) it can make you wonder is there a such thing as 'last first'...

Even with all the bullshit I've been through..I like to be hopeful that there is a last first out there for me somewhere...
he could be texting me right now...lol
who knows...;-)

♥mercie™

all smiles :D

2008-02-22T12:20:00.000-05:00

:D

((all smiles))

I bet you wanna know why I'm so happy....lol
let's just say that the minute you stop looking is when someone finds you...
hopefully I'm done frog kissing for a while...:D

.my wall.

2008-02-19T14:49:00.000-05:00

I was reading a blog that a friend of mine wrote and in it he was talking about this play that he recently seen and how it was talking about love and relationships.
As I was reading he mentioned that there was a part in the play where the woman told her boyfriend that she treated him like crap because she felt he was too good to be true...and didn't want to get hurt so she chased him away....

Damn. Its a shame that we think like that...
When we get a good guy we push him away and put that wall up because we think he is too good to be true because we've been through so much bullshit with other guys that when we finally get what we deserve we don't believe that it is real.

The other day me and my friend Monique were in the car and we were talking about some guys that we have met and are getting aquainted with and how for the moment they seem to be so "perfect". As we were talking we both were saying how we were just waiting for them to mess up, waiting for an ugly flaw to show because in the past thats what has always happened.

ie.
You meet a guy, he seems to be "perfect" then one day..5 months later..you log onto myspace and you find out he's engaged...
((so maybe not all of them are engaged...got a little personal with that one..lol))

Its kinda fucked up that we think like that too...its not that we want to but we are just looking out for us because just like her I don't think my heart will be able to take another hit. seriously.
However, at the same time I don't want to lose out on something special because I have my wall up.

I need to find a happy medium up in there somewhere...lol

♥mercie

♥.♥.♥.

2008-02-14T23:31:00.000-05:00

As Valentine's Day comes to an end and I sit in my room...by myself (b/c all my friends are on dates..lol) I realize that even though Valentine's day is a day aimed to celebrate couples and relationships thats not its sole purpose.

Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love.

Love for self, Love for others.

You don't need someone to be loved or to give love...love yourself, love your friends, love your family, love others.

But, I can't front..I'm ready for the day to be OVER! lol
Even though Valentine's day sole purpose is about love, relationships are the main focus and it makes single people feel terrible. So all day I been going back and forth between enjoying the day, loving myself, spreading love to other people..and then seeing a couple and being like "fuck love"..lol.
Jus call me the 'love hater'..lol
Or call me the 'love lover'...it just depends on the day of the week ;-)

Meet my own personal Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde...lol
Mercilla-the love lover...and Bianca-the love hater....

don't think I'm crazy...
just think I'm not of this planet...
Earth is soo overrated!

is it me?

2008-02-10T13:50:00.001-05:00

This is a question I often ask myself...

"is it me?"

At this point, I honestly don't know what else it could be.
I've had one failed relationship after another...my mom says you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince..but DAMN! how many do I have to kiss????

This shit is getting old.

I thought maybe at first it was the type of guys I was attracted too, but when I thought about it, none of the guys I have dated have been the same. I don't really have a type, I know what I want in a guy and when I meet someone who has it thats who I give a chance.

And it seems like everytime the do me dirty they find someone else and their relationship works perfectly...makes me feel like I wasn't good enough for them to actual give a damn about.
Ironically, they always come back and tell me how sorry they are for fucking up with me and how they want another chance and all that bullshit. ARE YOU SERIOUS???

What is it about me that makes guys not want to act right?
I think I'm a good girl...I'm in school, I know what I want out of life, I'm pretty cool to hang out with, I can cook, I don't give the goods to any and every nigga thats want them ((im very very selective))..hell I've been told I'm wifey material...so what the hell is the problem???

it has to be me...

because at this point...after been done dirty by..hmmm lets see...((pause for counting..lol))seven guys....I don't know what else to think.

With that said, I'm taking a break from the male species ((no homo))
I'm just going to concentrate on school and enjoying life as much as I can.

"the best love is love for self"
and thats all I need....

Beyonce said it best:
"me, myself and I that's all I got in the end"

♥mercie™

damaged

2008-02-10T13:22:00.001-05:00

danity kane has a new song out and i like it...maybe because i can relate or wat..idk..but i think its a hot song...
neway..the words go something like this:
"Can you fix my h-e-a-r-t
Cause it’s d-a-m-a-g-e-d
Can you fix my h-e-a-r-t
Tell me, are you up, for the challenge
Cause my heart is
Damaged, damaged
I thought that I, should let you know
That my heart is damaged So damaged
And you could blame, the one before
So how you gonna, fix it, fix it, fix it
How you gonna, fix it, fix it, fix it
How you gonna, fix it, fix it, fix it
How you gonna, fix it, fix it, fix itFix it…"

basically, this sum pretty much sums up my situation...
the most recent damage that has been done was from this guy i was dating last semester...
this dude was something else...he was sweet, a gentlemen, funny, a cool person just to chill with, was doing something with his life and not to mention sexy as hell ;).
he was everything that i look for in a guy...i even kinda felt like he was too good to be true...
he had his own baggage tho..he was 23 but he had been married before and his ex wife did some grimey shit...and he was still dealing with that, but it wasn't affecting our relationship so i didnt think twice about it.
everything was going great with us...we would hang out often and i used to stay over his house so much i had some pj's and a toothbrush at his crib....
he was even talking about visiting me in atlanta over christmas break being that i was going to be gone for a whole month. but one day, he called me and we talked for a while and he said he would call me back later....that was the last thing i heard from him...
he jus started ignoring me...for what?? i have no idea to this day! and it bothers the hell out of me because i cant really move on until i know why....

i do remember one time me and him was on the phone and he told me that he likes to keep his distance from females because he wasn't trying to get too close to anyone ....but i didn't think it affected me because he never kept his distance from me...he always said how he wanted to see me more and how he hoped i stayed around for a long time....
maybe i shouldve read in between the lines and i wouldn't be in this mess....

i think about him constantly and it drives me crazy.
he pops up in my dreams, and everytime i see a car like his...i think its him....
i tried reaching out to him but he wont even acknowledge the fact i sent him a message, he wont even read it...it will still be sitting in my sent box saying "sent".

and even tho he is an asshole for this, it eats me up because he was such a good guy, and i still believe that he is a good guy....
i just wish he would've told me what the problem was instead of leaving me hanging...wondering if something is wrong with me....

gotta be kidding....

2008-02-07T13:27:00.000-05:00

...you don't realize what you've got until its gone, and when you realize what you had its too late to get it back...

this couldn't be more true, but why?
why does it take for someone to leave you for to you to realize how they good they were to you???
Why can't you just appreciate them while you have them??
I guess that would just make life too easy...

I'm currently involved in a situation with a guy that I once dated who screwed me over so bad...hurt ya girl something serious. I really liked this guy....liked him a lot..was even thinking about being his girl..((i havent thought like that in a while..)) but he did some unforgettable shit and I don't think I will ever be able to really get over what he did...

I really wish he didn't do what he did though...
because I mean I REALLY liked him! ((lol))
he always asks me will I give him another chance and I repeatedly tell him no because I can't allow myself to be 1. that stupid and 2. get caught up again just to get hurt again...

Sometimes I wonder though what would have happend if 1. he never got caught or 2. he never lied from the beginning and us having a real relationship....
But I guess it doesn't really matter because I will never get the chance to find out....

losing a friend

2008-02-01T20:03:00.000-05:00

i have 4 best friends...

and i consider all of them my sisters.

i am truly blessed to have this many best friends..most people only have two or 3 their whole lifetime, but these girls are the real deal. they know me even better than I kno myself...seriously! i can give plenty examples but thats not the purpose of why im writing this...

one of my best friends, that i have known since the first day of high school is slowly drifting away from me. i dont know who she is anymore, the girl i first met is not there anymore and i miss her so much. I miss my friend who I could laugh with at the dumbest things, I miss my friend who would sing terribly off key with me and act like we were the best singers in the world. (lol) I miss my friend who I could tell any and everything too and not worry about her passing judgement on me.
I miss my sister.
She has a new boyfriend now, and he tears her down constantly, and slowly but surely she is becoming a different person. She doesn't laugh with me anymore, and she judges me like none other. She doesn;t want to go out and have fun with the rest of us anymore, and when we ask her to go out she snubs her nose at us like she's too good to hang out with us.
I miss my sister.
It breaks my heart everytime I talk to her and we just sit and hold the phone and talk about nothing. We used to be able to talk for hours about anything under the sun! Now the longest phone conversation we will have will be like 15-20 minutes and we mostly just talk about school. I'm losing a friend and it kills me. I just want her back, but I'm not sure if that will ever happen....

Allow me to introduce myself.....

2008-01-26T19:47:00.000-05:00

Hello blog world..lol
My name...well thats none of your business...
But my friends call me Mercie, Mert, Merc, and a whole bunch of other things...lol

I love my friends and my family very much...
and most importantly I love myself...

I'm currently in school at the number one HBCU in the country..Hampton University and I'm majoring in Pharmacy. ((6 years=6 figures))
School is the most important thing in my life and nothing will stop me from my success.
Nothing.
lol.

I'm a nice person and I love to act silly with my friends, because I have the best friends a girl could have...my friends are sooo different but are sooo alike in so many ways.

I don't really know what else to say...lol...((which is rather odd for me)) haha..but if you want to know more just read my blogs so you can have a "look inside"...lol

LOVE, lust, luv

2008-01-25T17:35:00.000-05:00

Lately, love has been a very popular subject. I don't know if its because Valentine's Day is right around the corner or what…but all I know is I'm hearing about it all the time. So, it got me to thinking…what makes love so great? What makes it real? What makes love, LOVE??

I have been thinking about writing about this subject for a while but I just never knew where to start my thoughts…I just have soo many thoughts about this subject…I've even been contradicting myself a lil when it comes to my feelings about love…lol…So, the other day, I decided that I was going to finally write about it…put my thoughts out in the open for the world ((well at least the Facebook world..lol)) to read. However, before I could be the first to start the bandwagon on the whole subject of love…the ultimate writer himself, Mr. McCall beat me to the punch! Lol…but reading his note and the comment by my girl Kandace ((crazybeautiful)) just made my thoughts come together even more and solidified the fact that I needed to write this note. To add to all the irony the sigma's held a relationship seminar the other day that talked about the difference between love, luv, and lust…THEN, to top it all off, when I got to humanities class today, my professor always gives us a word of the day…and guess what the word was?? Love. I figured that was enough signs for me…lol.

So, here it goes…
.
LOVE.

What is it about love that makes people lose themselves? What is it about love that makes people go crazy?Me, personally, I believe that if you lose yourself because your in love, then that's not love. You shouldn't lose who you are because you are in love. You shouldn't change yourself for whoever you're in love with because if you are required to change then that's not real love. True unconditional love accepts you as you are, flaws and all. Its those flaws that makes someone fall in love with you, so why would u want to change that?

The Ancient Greeks identified three different types of love…one type of love was the love that you have for shoes, clothes, etc. the other type was the love that is really lust but is often confused for love, and finally the last type of love was what they called agape love. Which is the unconditional, compromising, unselfish love. A lot of people believe they are in agape love but many are not. They are in the love that is really lust. These days too many people want to be in love but they are entirely too selfish…they are not willing to put the needs of the one they "love" before their own. How many guys do you know would stay with their girlfriend if she wasn't putting out and if they did stay with her, how many wouldn't cheat on her, because he has "needs". True love, that agape love, would keep that man at home with his girl respecting her wishes to not engage in intercourse. However, that doesn't happen too often.

I also believe that love is unconditional. I believe that if your in love with your significant other and ya'll break up, the love doesn't end just because the relationship does. The love continues, it may change but it will still always remain. I know that for me, my ex-boyfriend and I have been broken up for about 4 years now, but I still have love for him, and I will always have that. It may not be the same time of love I had for him while we were together but it is still that unconditional love. The love that even though me and him aren't together anymore still wants the best for him, the love that just wants him to be happy, even if it isn't with me, the love that makes me hurt to see him hurt.

True love is not a fad, LUV is…

So many people these days just want to be able to say that their in their in a relationship and in "love" that no one really takes the time anymore to really think about what LOVE is. LOVE cannot be rushed into, it takes time before you can fall in love with someone. You have to get to know that person, and see what you can offer each other. I was always taught that you never date someone that you couldn't see yourself with in the future, because you'll just be wasting your time. Maybe that's why I'm still single…lol.

Yea, we're young and we're supposed to be having fun, but having fun doesn't mean date a whole bunch of random people! Be single and mingle. That way when you're ready for a REAL relationship you already know what you want out of it.

But, half the time so many people get into relationships without really knowing themselves and they think being in LUV will make them happy, when in actuality it doesn't. it only causes people to be bitter and unhappy because 9 times out of 10 the relationship doesn't work. Kinda like rebound relationships…

True love lasts forever.

An elderly couple at my church has been married for about 65 years….65 years people! And they look as happy as the day they met 70 years ago…(( I only know because I saw a picture..lol)) How many of you can even be with the same person for a year? How many of you get tired of them after a month? A great marriage is something that we don't see much any more, because people keep diluting love…mistaking it for lust and luv…

True real love is out there…but hard to find…

Kinda like a good man/woman..lol..you might think uve found it but in actuality its not what you thought it was...

Nuff said..

A lot of times its hard to find LOVE because people don't really allow GOD to direct them anymore. Like I said before, people just rush into things and don't wait on God. When God feels you are ready to have that person in your life, He will bring them into it. Until then just take everything one day at a time. Remember, you have to be able to love yourself before you can love someone else. You have to be able to love yourself, respect yourself, and respect your standards enough to not lower them. You have to know what you want, what you'll settle for. Make sure you love you first, so that when it's time to love someone else, it'll be balanced. This is when you can love someone fully.

**special thanks to lucius mccall for helpin me edit this note and add some extra spunk to it! thanks babe! ♥