Him walking away=me letting go

I came across a quote today and it really got me thinking. It said:


"If he was dumb enough to walk away be smart enough to let him go"


That was sooo what I needed to hear at the moment. Even though I still don't have the closure I want, I have to take that quote to the heart. There is part of me that wants to hold on and give him the benefit of the doubt but I KNOW that he doesn't deserve that.
He was dumb enough to walk away so I have to be smart enough to let him go and move on.

Broken Hearted Girl

Heartbreak/Heartache is a bitch.
Like a REAL bitch.
smh
On January 23, 2010 I was the happiest I've been.
For once I felt like everything in my life was the way it should be.
School was going well....My family and friends were doing great, and I had FINALLY gotten the relationship I had always wanted from the guy who I always wanted to be with.
After about 2 hours of drunk texting (on my half) with the longtime, off and on boo thang (who was then having the time of his life in Vegas with his friends)...he finally asked the question at 2:29am "Can you make it happen with me?"
I immediately started screaming and running around the party to find my girls and tell them that he FINALLY made it official. He even said "put it on FB..make it known".
I responded "of course I can, I've been wanting to". He then proceeded to call me and I'd never been happier to hear his voice.
That night I couldn't even sleep because I was so happy..the moment I had been waiting for for a little over 2 years finally happened.
The next few days we talked and made sure this was something that we were ready for and something we would both be committed to for the long haul.
We were both all in.
The next few weeks were great. It was great to have someone who I knew was going to hold me down and look out for me, no matter what. Even though it was a long distance relationship we were determined not to let a 2.5 hour drive get in the way of what we knew could be a great relationship.
He came to visit for the weekend and hung out with me and all my friends, and everyone loved him. All my friends kept telling me was how happy they were for me and how cute of a couple we were. You couldn't tell me a thing...I thought I had it all.


Now me and this guy had been off and on for so long because he has these periods when he doesn't want to talk to anyone. Going into the relationship I was prepared to deal with this if it happened again. However, I wasn't all that worried about it because he hadn't done it in so long, it didn't even cross my mind that it would happen now that we were in a relationship. Because in my mind, I'm thinking he must know that a relationship (especially long distance) cannot work if he 'disappears'.


Well, I thought wrong.


He disappeared, three days before Valentine's Day.
After Valentine's I thought I'd hear from him, chew him out-let him know that that behavior was unacceptable and if he wanted this relationship to continue he wouldn't do it again.


Once again, I thought wrong.


One week turned into two, two turned into three, three turned into four...and well ya'll get my drift. As I write this it has been approximately 6 and a half weeks.
[[wtf??]]
At first, I was upset. [duh..lol]. But I realized that I wasn't the only person not able to get in contact with him, so I didn't too much sweat it. Then, I saw that he was talking to people, so I started getting in my feelings. I couldn't believe he was doing this to me. Especially after everything that he had said and done the past few weeks. I wondered, how could this be the same guy who just told me if I ever needed ANYTHING it was mine? How could this be the same guy who told me he could see "something positive" coming out of this relationship in a few years? How could this be the same guy that looked at me with so much care and sincerity in his eyes everytime he looked at me?


I had so many questions with no answers.


Even though I was beyond frustrated, poor little me still had hope. [[see what you gotta understand is..I'm what you would say 'in love' with this guy]]. I was confident that one day he would answer one of my calls, or text messages, or e-mails, or facebook messages. [[yea..I did ALL of that]]. I just knew that he would see how much I missed him, and see that I was upset and wanted to talk to him.
One sad day, I logged onto facebook and my heart sunk. I went to his page to see that he untagged himself in a picture of him and I kissing, and he had removed his relationship status from his page. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The tears immediately began to flow. Not only had he been ignoring me, but he was disrespecting me. I have no IDEA what I did for him to treat me this way. I know there are somethings in life we are not meant to understand, but THIS, THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE....
smh
I stopped reaching out to him after that. Its almost been two weeks now since the last time I reached out to him. I know that he will be back. The question is, what am I going to do when that day comes.....
smh.
hearbreak is a bitch.

Broken Hearted Girl

Breathe

Inhale
Exhale

I can't sleep

Inhale
Exhale

I listen to you breathe

Inhale
Exhale

I stare at you as you sleep
wondering how something so simple
could make me feel so complete

Inhale
Exhale

You look so peaceful
the way your chest rises
and then falls-oh so graceful

Inhale
Exhale

Staring at your smooth complexion
tracing your body-lusting
at the sight of your muscle definition

Inhale-damn-
Exhale

Placing kisses on your face
you awake
and wrap your arms around my waist
you whisper "i love you" in my ear
it takes my breath away
along with all of my fears

Inhale
Exhale

Listening to your heartbeat
my head on your chest
it puts me to sleep

Inhale
Exhale

I listen to you breathe

-MRyanHarris

[[then&now]]

Then
Who do I have to be to make u see that I'm all u need
And that aint no other girl quite like me
Not tryin to b cocky but I'm the fuckin best
Always 10 steps ahead of all the rest
I've done everything I could think of to do
To make u see that only person I want to be with it is you
It seems like no matter how many times I say it
It never makes a difference cuz I keep dealing wit the same shit
torn like letoya luckett
Half of me wants to stay the other half wants to say fuck it
But saying 'fuck it' isn't as easy it sounds
Cuz being with u makes my heart pound
My knees get weak and my heart skips beats
I can't stand not seeing u for more than a few weeks
Forgetting about u is something I can't do
Especially not after all the shit we been thru
Things I wish I didn't kno
I found out when I committed the ultimate no-no
Going thru ur phone was something I wish I'd never done
But my trust issues got in the way and I doubted I was the only one
I played it cool like wat I read didn't bother me
But inside I was crying the tears I didn't want u to see
I had a feeling there were other girls
But I didnt trip cuz I wasn't ur "official girl"
So I acted like I didn't care cuz I was ur number one
But that wasn't good enough-I wanted to be the only one.
Now
Silly silly me, I should have known u would be like all the rest
But its too late now to have any regrets
Being with you is something that I will never do
Cuz I refuse to ever again be your fool
I wonder if u meant all those things that u said
On those nights when u was layed up in MY bed
I thought what we had was something so real
But now I see that was never the deal
Off and on a year and a half with me
But she’s the one sayin “I love you baby”
That shit hurt me deep down to my core
I didn’t even think it was possible for me to hurt anymore
I don’t even know how I feel
Cuz none of this even seems real
I trusted my heart with you
Now what am I supposed to do?
I guess its time to pick up the pieces and move on
So with that said…baby im done.

--MRyanHarris
June 2009

[[Lessons]]

Everything in life happens for a reason..
I kno ur probably thinking that you've heard this like 500 million times before..but I learned that it is because it is the honest to God truth. Something that you think was so trivial could have possibly changed ur life without you even realizing it. The random people that you meet, the arguements, the break ups, the heartbreaks, the deaths of loved ones and the births of new ones...it all happens for a reason. NOTHING is by chance. You may not realize it now, but one day everything will come full circle.

Mistakes are made and lessons are learned..
AMEN! lol...If you don't make mistakes, how do you learn? Everything can't be taught from a book..life is the best teacher you can have. We are young..this is the time to make mistakes! So that we can grow and be responsible, wise adults. Make ur mistakes..learn from them and move on! BUT WAIT!!! realize there is a difference between making a mistake and making a STUPID mistake...and I'll leave it at that...

On to the subject that plagues us young people most..LOVE and HEARTBREAK
Its been killing me these days to hear people my age say "I'm done with love" "fuck love" and all those things..
Now I can't front-I used to be one of those people..but then I really sat back and I thought about it. I am only 20 years old... 20!!!! I have only been on this earth for 2 decades and I have only lived in two places..ATL and Hampton, VA...now who am I to say I give up on love just because I've encountered my share of assholes?? I haven't even really LIVED yet to even experience true love and I'm giving up...that makes absolutely no sense at all! For those who have found love..congratulations it is a beautiful thing...for those who are still looking..it will come. Don't stress it..for what?! The more pressure you put on finding love, the harder it will become for u to find because u looking for it too hard! Have you ever dropped something, like the back of an earring, you search and search and you can't find it?? Then as soon as you stop looking for it-BOOM-there it is-right in front of your face.That's how love is..so chill out..enjoy being young and single..LOVE WILL COME.

And we all know that with love, comes the occasional heartbreak...
Heartbreak sucks. We all know that. There is no way around that. It hurts, and it seems like you will NEVER get over it. BUt you see the heart is a phenomenal thing..it can be broken, ripped apart, torn to shreds and stomped on the ground til nothing remains but a mess...but it has the remarkable ability to heal itself and return to the condition that it was in before. Its up to you on how long that takes.

♥mercie™

..::LET IT GO::..

first of..I just want to start this post off by saying that God is real, and I don't understand how anyone could think otherwise, but I do respect everyone's personal views...
While I was facebook the other day, I came across something that was written by TD Jakes and it was something that I needed to read so badly. It amazes me how the right thing always comes along when you need it too...
Reading the piece by TD Jakes really gave me what I needed to keep my head up and move on from my past situation. I will post the piece at the end of the note, but I just want to post one part now that really hit home with me:

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can' t make them stay.

LET THEM GO!.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over

WOW! This really hit home with me because of the fact that it says that just because someone leaves you doesnt make them a bad person. This is very true, my DC boo is not a bad person in any shape or form, I have much love and respect for him, and I always will. I will cherish the memories that I have with him, and as in any relationship, lessons have been learned.
Let it Go by TD Jakes

LET IT GO ...

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you:

LET THEM WALK.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying withyou, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can' t make them stay.

LET THEM GO!.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over Let me tell you something I've got the gift of good-bye.

It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. STOP begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to ..

LET IT GO!!!

♥mercie™

**OH YEA! thanks to my 804 buddy for puttin me back onto my blog game!!! LOL

Im back!

So I kno its been a while...
but I'm going to try and get back into blogging...just give me a minute ok? LOL

see ya soon!
♥Mercie™

.this time last yr::

wow..its crazy..
today i was just thinking that wow-its july..and this time last yr i was in soo much pain...
this time last yr is when i was suffering from severe heartache because i found out that a guy i thought i was seriously dating was not only seeing someone else but was engaged...

i will never forget that day-ever.
it was a normal day-the guy i was dating had jus left atlanta a few days earlier...while he was here i met his family ((was introduced as his girlfriend)) we discussed being in a relationship-i even asked him if i was the only girl he was dating and looked at my dead in my face and said 'yes-uve been the only for one for 2 and a half months"...and he met my family. it was pretty intense-and i was head over heals for this dude...
so i log onto myspace to leave a comment on his pg-i go to his page and i see this female that was his number one have the default name of "mrs.g.fuller" ((his name was g.fuller)) i click on her profile because i didnt want to believe wat i was seeing..when i get to her page she has pics of him all over her pg with captions saying how much she loved him and how she was so happy they were getting married....yes-married.
my heart dropped.
i could hardly breath-my hands starting shaking-and the tears would not stop falling.
i could not believe wat i seeing...its one thing to have a side piece but damn-u have a fiancee...so that made me the other woman and i had no clue...
we had been dating for 5 months and i HAD NO CLUE!
i was so hurt.
matter of fact-i dont even think hurt is a strong enough word for wat i felt.
i HATED him.
i couldnt stop crying.
how could he do that to me?
and the worst part about it was he lied to me like it was sooo easy.

((the worst part about a lie is knowing you weren't worth the truth))

the rest of my summer i was in so much pain-i tried to hide it as much as i could..and i think i did a pretty good job-at least hiding it from the ones that didnt kno me that well..lol

one day i finally figured out wat i wanted to say-so i sent him a long message on myspace explaining how wrong he was and how i never wanted to speak to him again...

of course he didnt respond...but one month later..i get a phone call...it was him.
he kept saying how sorry he was and how he wanted to tell me he had a girl but he didnt kno how to say it because he really started to like me and he was gonna break up w/ his girl to be with me but then he found out she was pregnant.....
bullshit.

he kept asking me to give him another chance and i told him-how can i trust u if everything we've ever had was a lie....

til this day whenever i talk about him or he is brought up-my whole demenor changes. im still not over wat he did-and im not sure when i will be. but im a whole hell of alot better than i was this time last yr.....

♥mercie™

the power of S-E-X

sex.

that one little word holds so much.

sex.
this word is responsible for creating lives and destroying lives and it can happen all in one single stroke.
it can cause pleasure and it can cause pain.
it can destroy a relationship or strengthen it.

sex.
once upon a time this word was hardly ever uttered-now its everywhere!
every time u turn on the tv, radion, computer sex is all you see.

once upon a time sex only purpose was to create life between a man and his wife-now it seems that sex only purpose is to create pleasure for someone-and occasionally a baby comes out of it((which isnt planned most of the time))...


sex.
such a small word-holds so much.



♥mercie™

thanks!

i jus wanna take the time to thank everyone who reads my blog!
it really means alot to me!!
thanks sooo much!
and i kno im slow sometimes about postin new stuff but I will definitely try to get better!!!
much much much love!
♥mercie™

wifey ((rough))

can i b ur wifey?

im not ur average chick
i do more than them other tricks..
im down to ride for my man..
and ill do watever i can..
im ready for love like india.arie.
so ill be there when he needs me to be

can i b ur wifey?

anything he need thats wat ill be..
lady in the streets...
and a beast in the sheets...lol
i can hold my man down
the same way he would hold me
im just waiting for the one to give my all to
waiting for the one that'll make me wanna say 'i do'
wherever u r..please find me
cuz im ready to give my heart to u baby..


♥mercie™

Losing me ((old poem 07))

this love thing is for losers
at least thats wat i believe
it makes you become a different person
changes the way you see
you can say im bitter
and hell maybe i am
but after all ive been through
i really dont give a damn.
you see now i have an icebox where my heart used to be
im cold and angry and thats just not me

i miss who i used to be

the girl who believed in love and happily ever after
and that tru love didnt just exist for the actors
the girl who believed that love was real
and being IN love was a big deal
now, this new person i dont recognize
but its who ive become-i can see it in my eyes
the pain has taken over
and now every guy gets the cold shoulder
ive turned into someone i never wanted to be
and thanks to the pain-ive lost me.

♥mercie™

Just had to vent...

The worst thing anyone can possibly do to me is ignore me...
seriously, i hate that!!! don't ignore me! i know u see that missed called, that txt msg and watever else i did to reach out to you...
how dare u treat me as if i was never anything to u?!?!
how dare u ignore me as if I did something to YOU!?!
i could understand if I had done something to piss u off but i did nothing except try to be the perfect girl for you and make you happy...
did watever it took to put a smile on ur face...
did watever i had to to make u feel better when u were havin a bad day..
encouraged u and let u kno everything would get better...
calmed u down when u was mad...
I. WAS. THERE. FOR. YOU.
and u jus took that shit for granted...and then have the audacity to ignore me...
but yet when u saw me u loved to act as if nothing was wrong..give me false hope that maybe u were coming to ur senses...knowing damn well that u were jus playing games with my head...
THEN...when I finally stop thinking about u...finally start to get over u..u decide to txt me and throw me off all over again...
do u enjoy puttin me through this bullshit?!?!
the way u treat me now..i never would have seen it coming...
the way u USED to treat me never even hinted that u could do me like this...
the sweet txt msgs everyday...the public displays of affection..the things u said to me with soo much 'sincerity' in ur eyes...
but who cares?? none of that matters anymore..so i might as well forget that it even existed...hell i should forget YOU ever existed...
when i see you again...dont speak to me..dont look my way because
YOU. ARE. DEAD. TO. ME.

cool kids on the block...

If you have noticed I have a few links on the side of my page of my daily blogs that I check...but I just want to give them a shout out and thank them for their support of my blog...check them out..they are hot!


NICK R. DA A&R!
get ur daily dose of the freshest new music, clothes, and more...he is definitely someone you wanna kno! ((oh yea...he's my big brother! =D))
http://www.thumbsupconsulting.blogspot.com

MILAH B.aka THE LOVECRUSADER
features her daily blogs of: word of the day, get ya sneaker game up, the fly ass mofo of the week, and more....contributing writes include matt r martians and ponder matthews...hotness!
http://www.lovecrusader7.blogspot.com

LU MCCALL aka THE WRITER
check this blog out when u wanna get something for your mind!!! rememeber his name because I promise you-you WILL be reading one his books in a few years...
http://www.ohsolucius.blogspot.com

♥mercie™

sunny days.

lately, I've been going through a lot of inner turmoil...
stuff I really haven't discussed with anybody, just been keeping it to myself because I really don't know how to word it and I don't want anyone passing judgement on my emotions. I hate that..
Seriously...don't tell me how I should feel...
Anyway...
I think I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel...((at least I hope so))
The other day I was hanging out with my ex-boyfriend...((we're still really good friends)) and I was telling him my situations and basically explaining to him why I really broke down crying the other day ((see previous blogs))..and he simply told me.."you're a sweetheart..don't let these situations change that about u..u have a good heart and u will be blessed so don't stress it."
Believe it or not that really made my day...because I realized he had a point...and in saying that I must shout out Lucius because he has been telling me for forever that I am one of the few good girls and I don't need to change..so to both of you..thank you.
Of course, I have to thank my girls too...ya'll have definitely been shoulders for me to cry on..without ya'll my troubles would have been even harder..even tho I didn't really explain in depth how I was hurting..
Anyway..I'm slipping off topic...lol ((damn shoutouts..lol))
But I'm getting better...I'm starting to love myself more and more...and I've realized thats why I was in so much pain...
The bullshit I had been through made me question myself..made my confidence drop..made me lose love for myself...and I should have NEVER NEVER let that happen but I did.
So now I am back on building myself back up again...
Loving myself..learning myself all over again...
and reminding myself to never forget that the best love is love for self...

I've learned from all these situations that I have been through...
I've learned that even though I am a naturally nice and caring person..not everyone deserves it..and that its okay to have a wall up because thats how you find out who is really worth being in your life because if they stay around and work on taking it down then that means they could possibly be in it for the long haul...
No worries though..I'm not going to be bitter or anything like that..and I'm definitely NOT changing...I am who I am and thats never gonna change...

The sunny days are coming..I can feel it...:D

♥mercie™

for me-when something seems too good to be true-it normally is

...and thats real talk....
its ironic...me and the guy that i used to date-which my friends called thug life cuz he had so many tats-took me the movies on our first date and we saw jumper..it was a part in the movie when the girl said-"normally in my life when something seems to good to be true-it normally is." when i heard that i 'hmphd' in agreement..thug life then looked at me and said do u believe that..and i said i sure do-and he told me well this-me and u-isnt...this is real..
HA!
aint that some shit...hmph

ive been in this terrible cycle...one no good nigga after the other-and it all started with the guy i met 2nd semester my freshman yr (the one w/ the fiancee)-then i met another guy 1st semester sophomore yr (the one who went ghost) and now this guy-2nd semester sophomore yr (the one who is soo confused)--i dont get it!! its been back to back..one hit after the other..the one minute i think i got something good going on to help me get over the guy that screwed me over before-i get screwed over AGAIN! and then im left to not only cope w/ one screw up-but two-and now three...
UGH!

and im not gonna lie..ya girl is lonely..there's a difference b/w bein alone and lonely and im not alone..nigga im LONELY! lol..i try to do things to make me forget that im lonely and things to take the loneliness away-but it doesnt work. i kno i freaked our my ex the other day cuz me and him was chillin and he said somethin and i jus broke down crying...i couldnt stop either!!! it was sooo embarassing! but i couldnt help it..i was overwhelmed with everything i had been feeling and it jus released. it was like he was giving me the attention i wanted but it wasnt what i needed...i need something real..i need what me and my ex used to have..((notice how i say used--we're jus friends now)) i jus wanna be in love and be loved-is that too much to ask?

i kno u cant rush things like that and all that good stuff..but i jus want that feeling...
and really all i REALLY want is to meet ONE guy to prove to me that they are not all the same..even if he AINT for me-i jus want to meet one to kno they exist....

but lemme stop w/ my sad ass depressing ass talk...lol

♥mercie™

im the girl

i havent really been blogging lately because for the most part ive been thinking..alot...no really..ALOT! lol
lately ive been feeling some kind of way and my friends have told me that i need to write about it..so i guess i will...lol

im the girl who has been thru hell and back and still manages to smile even though im crying on the inside...
im the girl who holds my head under the shower to disguise my tears...
im the girl who holds her head high so people won't see the pain in my eyes...
im the girl who is not alone but is so lonely...
im the girl who has been hurt time and time again and is not sure if i kno how to love anymore...
im the girl who questions her worth and wonders whats wrong with me...
im the girl who has so much to be happy about yet can't be truly happy because my heart is in too much pain...
im the girl who is on the verge of giving up...
im the girl who wonders who will save me...

♥mercie™

jus some thoughts

i dont really have a purpose for blogging today I just felt like writing.
I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind right now, and I don't even know where to start or really what I want to say. I hate when that happens. I'm having what my mom calls a brain fart..lol
I guess one thing that is on my mind is yesterday my roomie/best friend jus found out that her bf of a yr and some changed cheated on her..and not jus oops i slipped up and slept w/ this girl..but he had pretty much another relationship going on with another girl back home..it was like he was living two lives...well not like..he was.
and its shocking to me because if you knew them and him u would never think he would do something like that to her because he was always telling her how much he loved her and he would get soo mad at her when she would even accuse him of gettin to friendly with another girl..he would always say i love u too much i would never do anything like that to u...
all of that shit was a damn lie...i can only imagine the pain my roomie is feeling right now...and i wish i could do somethin to take it away from her..but i kno i cant and unfortunately its jus her time to join the heartbreak club...=[

"the worst thing about a lie is knowing that u werent worth the truth"

♥mercie™

.friends.

I must say I am the luckiest girl in the world when it comes to friends.
Yea I've had problems with 'friends' before but I've come to realize they weren't my TRUE friends.
It doesn't matter how often you all talk-all that matters is that you know and they know that no matter what they will have your back and you will have theirs. I am blessed to have the good friends that I do have and I love them all tremendously.
I'm not gonna lie either my friends are about to be doing big things in the world..and I cannot wait to see all the success that is about to happen to them. It is so exciting and whats even more exciting is the fact that I am able to say.."Thats my friend!"..LOL!
We all doing wonderful things and its just amazing to see how much we have all grown...but yet when we get together it is like nothing has changed...
*sigh* what a wonderful feeling that is...

***SHOUT OUTZ***
-Alexis
-Jerlicia
-Shawndra
-Kamilah
-Amelia
-DBrad
-Nesha
-Courtney
-Lucius
-Nick
-Matt
-Dani B.
-Monique

I love ya'll to death and thats real talk!
xoxo
♥mercie™

jus some food for thought...

i saw this on a friend of mine's pg on facebook and i thought it was quite interesting..
i think he called it the irony's of love...check it out..

"Loving the right person at the wrong time... having the wrong person when the time is right... and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life. Sometimes you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you... you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again. For some, letting go is one way of expressing how much they love a person. Some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love... Love is always present... It's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little. As we all know that the heart is the center of the body, but it beats on the left... Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right. Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love, but to only discover that for them, we are just for passing time while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger. Let go when you're hurting too much... Give up when love just ISN'T enough... And move on when things are not like before. It's certain... there IS someone out there WHO WILL LOVE YOU EVEN MORE..."

soo tru
♥mercie™