Friday, February 22, 2008

all smiles :D


((all smiles))

I bet you wanna know why I'm so
let's just say that the minute you stop looking is when someone finds you...
hopefully I'm done frog kissing for a while...:D

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

.my wall.

I was reading a blog that a friend of mine wrote and in it he was talking about this play that he recently seen and how it was talking about love and relationships.
As I was reading he mentioned that there was a part in the play where the woman told her boyfriend that she treated him like crap because she felt he was too good to be true...and didn't want to get hurt so she chased him away....

Damn. Its a shame that we think like that...
When we get a good guy we push him away and put that wall up because we think he is too good to be true because we've been through so much bullshit with other guys that when we finally get what we deserve we don't believe that it is real.

The other day me and my friend Monique were in the car and we were talking about some guys that we have met and are getting aquainted with and how for the moment they seem to be so "perfect". As we were talking we both were saying how we were just waiting for them to mess up, waiting for an ugly flaw to show because in the past thats what has always happened.

You meet a guy, he seems to be "perfect" then one day..5 months log onto myspace and you find out he's engaged...
((so maybe not all of them are a little personal with that

Its kinda fucked up that we think like that too...its not that we want to but we are just looking out for us because just like her I don't think my heart will be able to take another hit. seriously.
However, at the same time I don't want to lose out on something special because I have my wall up.

I need to find a happy medium up in there


Thursday, February 14, 2008


As Valentine's Day comes to an end and I sit in my myself (b/c all my friends are on I realize that even though Valentine's day is a day aimed to celebrate couples and relationships thats not its sole purpose.

Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love.

Love for self, Love for others.

You don't need someone to be loved or to give yourself, love your friends, love your family, love others.

But, I can't front..I'm ready for the day to be OVER! lol
Even though Valentine's day sole purpose is about love, relationships are the main focus and it makes single people feel terrible. So all day I been going back and forth between enjoying the day, loving myself, spreading love to other people..and then seeing a couple and being like "fuck love"
Jus call me the 'love hater'
Or call me the 'love lover' just depends on the day of the week ;-)

Meet my own personal Dr. Jekel and Mr.
Mercilla-the love lover...and Bianca-the love hater....

don't think I'm crazy...
just think I'm not of this planet...
Earth is soo overrated!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

is it me?

This is a question I often ask myself...

"is it me?"

At this point, I honestly don't know what else it could be.
I've had one failed relationship after mom says you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince..but DAMN! how many do I have to kiss????

This shit is getting old.

I thought maybe at first it was the type of guys I was attracted too, but when I thought about it, none of the guys I have dated have been the same. I don't really have a type, I know what I want in a guy and when I meet someone who has it thats who I give a chance.

And it seems like everytime the do me dirty they find someone else and their relationship works perfectly...makes me feel like I wasn't good enough for them to actual give a damn about.
Ironically, they always come back and tell me how sorry they are for fucking up with me and how they want another chance and all that bullshit. ARE YOU SERIOUS???

What is it about me that makes guys not want to act right?
I think I'm a good girl...I'm in school, I know what I want out of life, I'm pretty cool to hang out with, I can cook, I don't give the goods to any and every nigga thats want them ((im very very selective))..hell I've been told I'm wifey what the hell is the problem???

it has to be me...

because at this point...after been done dirty by..hmmm lets see...((pause for guys....I don't know what else to think.

With that said, I'm taking a break from the male species ((no homo))
I'm just going to concentrate on school and enjoying life as much as I can.

"the best love is love for self"

and thats all I need....

Beyonce said it best:
"me, myself and I that's all I got in the end"



danity kane has a new song out and i like it...maybe because i can relate or wat..idk..but i think its a hot song...
neway..the words go something like this:
"Can you fix my h-e-a-r-t
Cause it’s d-a-m-a-g-e-d
Can you fix my h-e-a-r-t
Tell me, are you up, for the challenge
Cause my heart is
Damaged, damaged
I thought that I, should let you know
That my heart is damaged So damaged
And you could blame, the one before
So how you gonna, fix it, fix it, fix it
How you gonna, fix it, fix it, fix it
How you gonna, fix it, fix it, fix it
How you gonna, fix it, fix it, fix itFix it…"

basically, this sum pretty much sums up my situation...
the most recent damage that has been done was from this guy i was dating last semester...
this dude was something else...he was sweet, a gentlemen, funny, a cool person just to chill with, was doing something with his life and not to mention sexy as hell ;).
he was everything that i look for in a guy...i even kinda felt like he was too good to be true...
he had his own baggage tho..he was 23 but he had been married before and his ex wife did some grimey shit...and he was still dealing with that, but it wasn't affecting our relationship so i didnt think twice about it.
everything was going great with us...we would hang out often and i used to stay over his house so much i had some pj's and a toothbrush at his crib....
he was even talking about visiting me in atlanta over christmas break being that i was going to be gone for a whole month. but one day, he called me and we talked for a while and he said he would call me back later....that was the last thing i heard from him...
he jus started ignoring me...for what?? i have no idea to this day! and it bothers the hell out of me because i cant really move on until i know why....

i do remember one time me and him was on the phone and he told me that he likes to keep his distance from females because he wasn't trying to get too close to anyone ....but i didn't think it affected me because he never kept his distance from me...he always said how he wanted to see me more and how he hoped i stayed around for a long time....
maybe i shouldve read in between the lines and i wouldn't be in this mess....

i think about him constantly and it drives me crazy.
he pops up in my dreams, and everytime i see a car like his...i think its him....
i tried reaching out to him but he wont even acknowledge the fact i sent him a message, he wont even read will still be sitting in my sent box saying "sent".

and even tho he is an asshole for this, it eats me up because he was such a good guy, and i still believe that he is a good guy....
i just wish he would've told me what the problem was instead of leaving me hanging...wondering if something is wrong with me....

Thursday, February 7, 2008

gotta be kidding.... don't realize what you've got until its gone, and when you realize what you had its too late to get it back...

this couldn't be more true, but why?
why does it take for someone to leave you for to you to realize how they good they were to you???
Why can't you just appreciate them while you have them??
I guess that would just make life too easy...

I'm currently involved in a situation with a guy that I once dated who screwed me over so bad...hurt ya girl something serious. I really liked this guy....liked him a lot..was even thinking about being his girl..((i havent thought like that in a while..)) but he did some unforgettable shit and I don't think I will ever be able to really get over what he did...

I really wish he didn't do what he did though...
because I mean I REALLY liked him! ((lol))
he always asks me will I give him another chance and I repeatedly tell him no because I can't allow myself to be 1. that stupid and 2. get caught up again just to get hurt again...

Sometimes I wonder though what would have happend if 1. he never got caught or 2. he never lied from the beginning and us having a real relationship....
But I guess it doesn't really matter because I will never get the chance to find out....

Friday, February 1, 2008

losing a friend

i have 4 best friends...

and i consider all of them my sisters.

i am truly blessed to have this many best friends..most people only have two or 3 their whole lifetime, but these girls are the real deal. they know me even better than I kno myself...seriously! i can give plenty examples but thats not the purpose of why im writing this...

one of my best friends, that i have known since the first day of high school is slowly drifting away from me. i dont know who she is anymore, the girl i first met is not there anymore and i miss her so much. I miss my friend who I could laugh with at the dumbest things, I miss my friend who would sing terribly off key with me and act like we were the best singers in the world. (lol) I miss my friend who I could tell any and everything too and not worry about her passing judgement on me.
I miss my sister.
She has a new boyfriend now, and he tears her down constantly, and slowly but surely she is becoming a different person. She doesn't laugh with me anymore, and she judges me like none other. She doesn;t want to go out and have fun with the rest of us anymore, and when we ask her to go out she snubs her nose at us like she's too good to hang out with us.
I miss my sister.
It breaks my heart everytime I talk to her and we just sit and hold the phone and talk about nothing. We used to be able to talk for hours about anything under the sun! Now the longest phone conversation we will have will be like 15-20 minutes and we mostly just talk about school. I'm losing a friend and it kills me. I just want her back, but I'm not sure if that will ever happen....